Selfishly
by Ironically Yours
Summary: -a post-movie fic- Love makes us selfish. Kohaku thinks back to the end of their beginning, and the summers of the past and future. KohakuXChihiro -Written for round 3 of the Write the Wrong contest-


**:Title: **Selfishly

**:Author:** Ironically Yours

**:Rating:** T for Technically Teen

**:Fandom:** Spirited Away

**:Genre:** Romance/Angst

**:Disclaimer:** I don't own Spirited Away. I wouldn't be broke if I did. Don't sue me. I can't give you anything anyways.

**:Summary:** (a post-movie fic) Love makes us selfish. Kohaku thinks back to the end of their beginning, and the summers of the past and future. KohakuXChihiro

:Notes: This is for the third round of the Write the Wrong challenge, run by Youroctober. WOW! I've made it much further then I ever expected. Thanks to everyone who has supported me so far. :3

The challenge this time was to write a romance story with an assigned fandom and pairing. I got lucky because I absolutely love Spirited Away and have actually considered writing a SA story in the past. For this one, I tried a more "Stream of consciousness" sort of style, which I thought would work well for Haku. Also, in this story, Rin means Lin. I've seen the movie subbed enough that it just sticks. I'm sorry if that causes any confusion.

While writing this, I listened to Yumi Kumara's "Sekai no yakusoku" (from Howl's Moving Castle) and "Itsumo Nando Demo" (from Spirited Away.) Enjoy!

* * *

To forget is only the need to remember. To remember is only a step away from being lost forever. The way life weaves our memories is complex and intricate like the fine threads of silk—so tightly messed that a single strand seems lost in an ocean of thought. She forgot, yet I remembered. She dreamt while I could only recall back on that fated summer.

That summer was one I'd never forget; our cliché adventures through a world I thought I once knew… a home that wasn't quite my own anymore. How could it be? She may have forgotten, but Sen, _my Chihiro_, left her mark on this world, and on me. I'd been branded—no part of my lingering spirit had been left untouched. I could never return to ways of the past. It was as if nothing existed before those warm summer days spent away too carelessly.

Nothing was the same. Rin rolled her eyes at me, calling me a fool. What was love? Love could make the world go round, or plunge it into a lone darkness. The tall golden blades of grass offered no comfort, and the sky lost its touch on my soul. The cheery faces of the bathhouse could never bring a smile to my face quite like _she_ could.

I'd never dare to utter my weakness aloud, but it must have been painted on my face. I missed her. To say otherwise would have been an outrageous lie. Her smile had a way of making the sun burn in jealousy, her eyes just as warm. I would have endured a thousand days of rain to have had that smile again. Who wouldn't? The moon shined brighter with her light reflecting off its pale flesh. Oh, how I longed to be with her during those long lonely nights.

**- - - - - - - - - -**

When I could, I watched her. She wandered through life, blissfully unaware of the ache in my heart. Did she see my reflection in the water as she peered into the river, on her way home from school? Could she hear my whispers as she laughed with her worthless excuse for friends? She seemed so happy, dancing through life like that… _Chihiro…_

Some days, it seemed as though she knew I was behind her. Warm chocolate eyes glanced my way expectedly, before they faded once again into ever cold unawareness. Even that second of remembrance stirred the flame in my belly, fueling my need—obsession—and my eyes never strayed away. I neglected my volunteer duties at the bathhouse, and spent my time glued to her side... Just like I had promised.

Those memories were a double-edged sword it seemed. Her blissful, peaceful ignorance granted her the joy that was so true to her heart. But I could see the edge of painful remembrance inch their way in, ripping confused tears from unknowing eyes. She glanced around in fear, reaching out for a mere shadow… an unseen spirit. My name fell from her lips as she dreamt—a dream more real then the facade of a life she belonged to. Chihiro was still mine.

I was selfish. I followed her around, unseen, unheard and almost forgotten, but my grip on her heart was tighter than ever. She tried so hard to forget our summer, but it was like a stain that never quite washed out. Ever the optimist, she lived on. I even might dare to say she thrived, surrounded by friends and family who loved her dearly. Their love was empty compared to mine.

I watched over her and the days and nights as they flew by, as fleeting as time could ever be. Every day, she changed; each minute brought about a rift between us. The ever-shifting humanity raced on, yet I remained frozen in the river of time, drifting endlessly on its icy tides. I forced myself to stay as I peered into the very depths of human existence. I caught glimpses of her first official boyfriend, her first day of high school, and her first kiss…. It sent pain coursing through me, and brought tears to my eyes. For the first time, I thought I had lost her.

In the end, she still could not escape the bond that tied us together. I watched heartbreak after heartbreak, every time she failed to find what she was truly was looking for. She screamed to the inky heavens, throwing her dying flowers in the depths of the river. She begged for release. Guilt found its way into my heart, yet I couldn't find the strength the cut that string.

I remember even now her fall. Day by day, she withdrew from the world around her, stepping further and further away from the realities of humanity. The memories of our unforgettable summer chewed away at her until she sang and screamed. Even at twenty years old, she was as beautiful as the first day we met, on that little bridge that connected our souls.

Less of her time went to her friends and family, and more of it was spent perched next to the river, or walking through the forest. My Chihiro never stopped searching—a search that could only lead to the end. Rin scolded me, screamed for me to cut Sen loose, to let her free. My heart clenched in pain and sorrow, but I couldn't bear to stop. I hated how selfish I was, I hated myself. All I could love was her.

She spent her last days locked in a colorless cage, and I did my best to sit loyally at her side. Strange white-clad humans came in and out like clockwork, her family and friends pleading for _their Chihiro_ to return to them. I glared and laughed at their folly. She hadn't been theirs for nearly a decade. Chihiro had always been mine. Her pain was my selfishness. I cried for her loss.

I can recall her final days as if they were only yesterday. When her feverish eyes met mine again for the first time since our fated summer, all thoughts of guilt were forgotten. That smile was given to only me once again. We spent hours cuddled up under the stiff blankets, whispering to each other in hushed tones. I told her tales of long ago, and she returned her own with a weak but joyful beam. Her family and friends visited often to no avail. They prodded at her, and begged her to listen; they whispered amongst each other that she had lost her mind… My Chihiro had only eyes and ears for me. That was the way it was meant to be.

Despite our growing bond, we were as far apart as ever. Her body grew weaker and weaker as our hearts slipped closer and closer together. Our words and confessions danced against the vivid pale walls, as her life slipped blissfully away. I feared for her thoughts, for her hate, but she claimed to be happier then ever. She would whisper that right before she broke down into tears each and every night.

One day, she finally gave up the fight. She turned to me and begged—begged me to come and take her away with me, to hold her tight and never let go… I urged her to do the unforgiveable. The hours slipped by as I cradled her tall slender body against my smaller one, waiting for the sun to set. Once night settled in, she snuck out of that cage- out of that prison. We ran for that stream, our river, not caring at the strange looks she received. We reached the overpass. I pressed an invisible kiss to her cheek. She smiled… and then she jumped.

Watching her fall was the most gorgeous yet terrifying sight I had I ever witnessed. With a strangely happy smile plastered on her pale face, those warm eyes never slide away from mine. The years seem to melt off. The wind whipped her hair and pasty gray gowned around her sickly thin form, and her hands reached up towards me… I leapt over edge just as she hit the water. We sank down together. I hoped we would never be parted again.

I sat silently at the back of the group as her friends and family mourned over her tiny gravestone. They swapped stories of her life, and thought back to the happier days. They all cried. I cried too, but they were tears of joy.

**- - - - - - - - - -**

When I arrived once again at that red bridge to the bathhouse, a small spirit was waiting for me there. Her ten-year-old body was small but strong, and her eyes were like steaming coffee. Bright pink cheeks flushed as a red blush raced across her pert nose. She flashed me a blindingly beautiful smile.

"_My Chihiro…"_

I returned that smile, and sealed our fate. I reached out, and her familiar warmth clung to mine tightly. We glanced towards the bridge. My delight was contagious. She whispered in my ear.

"_Let's go together… Kohaku."_

We crossed that bridge towards our infinite summer days, where the sun would beat down on us in jealousy and rain would be an excuse to dance. Where the golden grass would be the blanket to our picnics and the sky would be our escape. I pressed a single kiss on her rounded cheek. She turned to look at me. I leaned in. Standing there on our little red bridge that led us away from our lonely days, we kissed for the first time.

_Long days spent trying to recall a fleeting dream,_

_Lonely nights with far too much to think of,_

_But not even life could steal your memories of me,_

_This is to the summer of our selfish love._

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**End Notes:** Thanks again to my dear friend Tyra for looking over it for me. Also- Please check my profile for a link to the sequel she has written for my ficlet, "Killer Thoughts"! Reviews are appreciated greatly. Thanks for reading!


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